Monday, December 31, 2007

Gifting

I love Christmas. I love the idea of gift giving, not because of the presents that you receive, but because of the thought and care that went into that purchase. I enjoy giving gifts much more than getting them, especially for people that I know well. I will spend hours on the internet, hunting for things that I think they might like. This year, an ad for Mystery Science Theater 3000 caught my eye. It was a TV show on Comedy Central in the 90's, where this guy and two robots that he built watch and make fun of old, bad movies. The guy and robots part is weird, but the comments are hilarious.
When I saw the ad, I remembered that my Mom had loved that show, even so far as the have a "MST3K" pin on her purse. I bought her one DVD of it which included "Manos: Hands of Fate" and "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" - fitting for the holiday. I gave it to her, and when she opened it, she looked confused.

me- "Remember! Remember how you loved that! Remember the pin you had!

her, with confused look on her face - "Are you sure this is for me?

I was stunned. And confused myself. The only thing worse than getting someone a bad present is getting them a present that you think embodies them, and then finding out that maybe you have been talking to some other Mom your whole life, cause this Mom has no idea where you would have come up with some like that.

We decided to watch "Manos: Hands of Fate", voted by many as the worst movie every made. Many are right. It was awful. The story was not too bad, but the acting was excruciating. There were painfully long pauses between dialog and scenes that made no sense to the story. Luckily, a guy and some robots were tearing it to bits. Larry, Mom and I were cracking up, Mom and I so much that we cried. When the movie ended, Mom said "Maybe I did have that pin!" You know that sound of air deflating from a balloon? Mom's declaration sounded like that in reverse. Order in the universe is restored. I am not crazy- but Mom may be losing it.


Yesterday, Mom sent me an email. A guy from her work looks alot like Torgo, the main character from the movie, a creepy hillbilly looking dude. She sent me this story about him:


This same guy, John, is sort of "special", not retarded, but maybe a little "different". He looks sort of like a serial killer, since he doesn't always respond when you say hello, and just STARES at you! Creepy!! He doesn't drive, but I've seen his dad at the store occasionally to pick him up after his shift, which ends at 6:30 am. Sometimes, he walks home from work too.

John said one day, he was walking home from work- this was the Sunday before Christmas, and a woman in a red truck pulled into the school parking lot near where he was walking. She came up to him and said "merry Christmas" to which he replied the same.
She said "I see you walking every morning on my way to work". John told her that he works at Genuardi's night shift, and he is coming home after work. She asked him if a bike would make his trip easier, to which he replied it would.

This woman's husband was coming up behind her with a new bike, and together they said "Merry Christmas" to John, presenting him with a brand new bike along with a headlight, chain and helmet.

VERY COOL STORY!!

I took his pic with the bike, and plan to send it to the local paper, hoping it inspires other to give from their hearts!!!



I know its sappy, but it made me tear up when I read it. It just proves that you don't have to know someone that well to know exactly what they want.

Mom- you're welcome! We can watch "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" next year.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Merry Christmas

Merry Belated Christmas, everyone!

I hope you all had good visits with family and a relaxing time off of work. Larry and I spent almost a week in PA and while we had a good visit, we are glad to be home. Now we can all focus on the New Year and all those resolutions that we are going to make and break.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

For the Full Effect, Just Add BenGay

While in Paris, I bought some candies that sounded interesting.

Violet flavored candies! How exotic! I didn't open them until about a week after I got home. The flavor had a familiar quality. It tasted like a Grandma smells. Not your Grandma, I am sure she smells lovely, but a foreign, random Grandma - one that wears sock garters and steals coffee cups from the Denny's. It was horrible. The smell lingered on my breath for over an hour before I ate something else just to cover it up. I told Larry and he swore that there was no way he would try it. When he got home, I showed him the tin, and he tried one. He then spent the next few hours tormenting me with his disgusting breath. Nothing is hotter than when your husband smells like an old lady.

Best part of all, I actually bought two tins. One of you will be getting a wonderful gag gift, literally.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Day 3 - Musee de Cluny, Saint Chappelle


On Sunday morning, we woke up early (around 7:30AM) and began to get ready for the day. The bathroom in our room was small, and the bathing area was a really small tub, with the bottom molded as a seat for your bottom and sprayer to rinse yourself off. I got in and realized that they didn't provide washcloths with our towels. Larry suggested and I accepted the offer to use an extra clean sock as my washcloth. There is a picture, but I will only be sharing that with certain special people (you know who you are).

We finished getting ready and headed out for the day. Our goal was to had petit dejuener (breakfast) at a nice cafe before starting the day. We walked up and past the Pantheon, and down a bunch of side streets. The city was very, almost eerily quiet and we found it hard to find a cafe. We eventually found one, sat in the front by the windows, and had our breakfast of croissants, baguette, orange juice and cafe au lait. It was tasty and relaxing.

We stopped by our hotel to grab our gear for the day and headed down to the Musee National du Moyen Age or its more common name, the Musee de Cluny. The museum is made up of two parts, the Hotel de Cluny, a residence built in the 1300's and the third century Gallo-Roman baths that the hotel was built on top of. The Hotel houses medival art and artifacts. Its most notable item is the tapestries of the Lady and the Unicorn, which are 6 tapestries depicting the five senses and free will.

I had been to the Musee de Cluny before and had thought that one of my favorite things in Paris had been there, but we had walked through the entire museum and had not seen it. There was a section that was closed, and so I asked the security guards int he museum why it was closed. The strike was the cause, but it was going to open at 1 Pm. At this point it was 11:30Am, so we decided to leave, get some lunch and then go back to see the "Chapelle".

We walked down the street to La Creperie de Cluny and had crepe meals that were served in bowls. I had Bonne Femme, which consisted of a buckwheat crepe (galette), ham, cheese, and bechamel sauce. It was delicious. I don't remember exactly what Larry had, but it had ratatouille in it and he was happy.

After lunch, we headed back to the Musee de Cluny and went straight to see the Chappelle. It is a very small room in the museum, but the intricacy of the ceiling just blows me away. We finished visiting the rest of the newly opened wing and then headed out.

We headed back onto Ile de la Cite, and headed toward Saint Chappelle. The chapel is located inside the walls of the Palis de Justice. We went through security where the English directions instructed us to put our bag on the "travelator" for x-ray scanning. Once inside, we headed over and purchased tickets for Saint Chappelle. The woman at the ticket booth confirmed that we spoke English then instructed us to hurry in, as a tour in English had just started. We found the tour guide, a dishevaled woman in her mid-thirties, wearing a strange combination of leggings, a long flowy skirt, ankle boots, sweaters and an oversized coat. Her hair was frizzy and looked as though it had hastily being put in a loose bun. She reminded me of Helena Bonham Carter. She knew a ton about Saint Chappelle and was making cute witty jokes about the royalty of the time. Saint Chappelle had been built by Louis IX, who built it to house the relics of Jesus Christ that he had collected to prove his worth as King to the people of France, and more importantly to prove Paris's position as the most important city in Europe. The relics included the Crown of Thorns and a piece of the cross that Jesus as crucified on.

You enter on the lower level of the chapel in the Lower Chapel, which was used by the common people as a place to worship. It is dark, and the walls are covered with elaborate paintings made to look like draped cloth. Taking the set of spiral stairs up, you enter the Upper or Royal Chapel, where the relics were displayed and the King and his court came to worship. The stained glass is beautiful and overwhelming. Our tour guide gave a detailed description of the intentions behind all of the ornate wall coverings and stained glass. From the bottom of the room working up on the walls were images of the common people and sculptures of different flora and fauna for each bay. The upper wall, mostly made of stained glass, depicted books of the bible. Spanning across the lower and upper walls were sculptures of the Kings of France as disiples (conveying that the Kings are both earthly and heavenly). I was amazing at how much this woman knew and how interested I was in learning the history. There was symbolizism and intention with every single decoration, all meant to drive home the point that King Louis and the line of French kings were direct descendants of Jesus Christ. When the tour was over, the guide informed us that she was a student studying art history and that these tours were the way she made her living.

We tipped the tour guide, finished up at Saint Chapelle and headed out to the Marche aux Oiseaux (bird market) which is set up every Sunday where a flower market usually stands. Here you can purchase birds, cages and feed. Larry and I considered buying a bird as a pet for the week and letting it go before we left, but decided that we didn't want to waste money on a bird that we would have to take care of and then just let go. Instead, we bought roasted chestnuts from a vendor using a coffee can full of coals, a pizza pan and a shopping cart as his food stand. They were warm and yummy on a cold day.

We headed down to the end of the Ile, to the Pont Nuef, rested for a minute and then trekked across the bridge to the right bank of the Seine. We wandered the streets and ended up accidentally at Saint Eustache. It was getting dark out and it was very difficult to see inside, but Larry was still very impressed at how massive the church was. We went back out into the streets, walking through the Les Halles section of town and down to the Centre Pompidou, Paris' very heavily contested modern art museum. We had planned on going to see the building, but not the actually art inside. I had been there before, and Larry was not that interested. As these pictures display, it did not make a big impression on us.

We turned onto the Rue de Rivoli, and walked by the Hotel de Ville. We were hungry and decided on dinner at a restaurant called Feria. I had read about an apertif (an alcoholic drink appetizer- these French have something to teach us) that the French drink called kir, which is white wine with a drop of cassis(currant) liquer, so we decided to start with that. It was tasty but not too dissimilar from standard white wine. We had burgers with some kind of Alsacian cheese and fries. We then had creme brulee for dessert. Delicious!

We continued on to Auld Alliance, a Scottish pub that had I visited almost daily during my first visit to Paris, due to its English speaking bartenders, beer and proximity to the youth hostel I was staying at. When Larry and I got there, it was about half full. We ordered beers and sat down. My stomach started hurting and I figured that I had just over eaten, but it did not make me very interested in drinking. Larry had a few more beers while I nursed mine. After about an hour, we decided to head home. It had started raining while we were in the bar and now it was pouring, so we put on the rain gear that we had brought and walked the 20 minute walk back to the hotel in the pouring rain.

We got back and fell asleep and about an hour later, I woke up and felt awful. It was the same type of feeling I had had in Dallas a few weeks earlier and I believe was food poisoning. I spent the rest of the night with many trips to the bathroom and spent some time sleeping on the bathroom floor. I kept Larry up, worrying about me and our plans for the rest of the week. I finally started to feel good enough to go to bed around 5:30.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Don't Get Sushi from the Grocery Store or An Explanation of the Obvious

On the heels of Amanda's words of wisdom, I have another gem of knowledge. Grocery store sushi, while being a poor, poor substitute for real sushi, can also make you really sick. I had yet another night of fitful tossing in bed, and subsequent tossing in the toilet. I finally fell asleep at 8:30 this morning.

This is the third bout of some type of food poisoning that I have had in a little over a month. I am not sure exactly what is going on here, but I think that my stomach has realized that I am getting older. When I was a kid, I could eat bags of chips and five ice cream sandwiches at a sitting and be hungry still. I remember bugging my mom for snacks until she would say "Gorge and puke". I have always remarked at how happy hearing that made me, since I did the gorging, but not the puking.

Maybe I have a really slow metabolism and it has just taken 20 years for my stomach to revolt.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

It's Christmas!

One winter, when I was around 10 and my brother was around 3, we came downstairs, climbed on the couch facing backwards and watched out the front window in amazement. It had snowed! The sight of which caused my brother to exclaim, "It's Christmas!" It was so sweet to hear such excitement in his voice, and even though he didn't open any presents that day, you could not convince him otherwise. It was Christmas and thats all there was to it.

Thanks for that memory, my little bubber! Everyday it snows, I think of you.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Day 2 - Arrive in Paris, Notre Dame


After landing and making our way through baggage claim and Passport security, we faced the first challenge of the day. The city of Paris was in the grips of a transportation strike, the second in a month. This strike had started on Tuesday, and it was now Saturday, with no signs of it ending. The original plan was to take the RER B train to Luxembourg station, about 2 blocks from our hotel. I had done some research and there were a few options for us, taxi (55 Euros) or bus. We found the Air France bus station and bought tickets (14Euros each). The bus was already there and was being loaded, so we rushed to get our stuff on and climb aboard. They loaded the luggage of the man behind us, but we were the last two allowed on the bus. They unloaded the man's luggage and he had to wait for the next bus.

The busride into the city was a little crazy, since so many more people were forced to drive instead of using public transportation. After about 45 minutes, we arrived at the Gare Montparnasse train station. We had been told that we could take a taxi from the station to our hotel. We double checked in the station that the Metro was not running (it was not) and decided to look for a taxi stand. After wandering around for a few minutes, we figured that we would start walking towards the hotel and look for taxis on the way. The walk took us through the streets of Paris and Luxembourg Gardens. After walking a mile, dragging our bags behind us, we arrived at the Hotel Cluny Sorbonne, in the Latin Quartier. We checked in, dropped our stuff off and went back out into the streets. It was about 1 PM.

We decided to walk the streets of the Latin Quartier, which was on my planned list of things to do. The Latin Quartier has tons of restaurants and shops. I have also just learned from a quick hit on Wikipedia that it was named the Latin Quartier after the Latin language that was spoken at the universities there in the Middle Ages. Thanks Internet!

I used my spidey sense to remember where the best creperie in town was from my previous stint in Paris. I just wandered around, I believe with my hands out- although I have no idea how this helped- and would turn down this street or that, until I found where the crepe cart used to be. It was no longer there, but a permanent installation was in its place. We had our first of many crepes, both of us getting ham, egg and cheese. Delicious!

We decided to head down to Notre Dame, which is located on Ile de la Cite, the larger of the two island in the Seine that were the original heart of the city. It's a beautiful building and has a larger open square in front of it that allows you to see it from afar and get good pictures of it. In the Middle Ages, small, shack-like homes surrounded Notre Dame and filled this square. We toured the inside and walked around the garden behind it. We decided against paying to go up in the tower.

Instead, we headed off of the Ile to the left bank of the river. We walked through the section of town that I had stayed in when I did my 6 week summer study abroad in college. We walked to Hotel de Sully and the Place des Vosges, which is the oldest square in Paris. We stayed for a minute, then turned around and began our walk back to the hotel. We stopped by the grocery store and picked up a few bottles of wine. As we walked back across the bridge toward the hotel, we had this very French moment. We got back to the hotel at around 6:30PM, laid down on the bed for a second and passed out. I woke up at 10Pm and was so confused as to how it was 10AM and still dark outside. I figured the time difference out, woke Larry up and we decided that we should eat dinner. We headed out to Le Bistrot 30', where we had Burgundy Beef stew and a bottle of Beaujolis Nouveau, which is a bottled version of the 2007 new Beaujolis wine. They celebrate the release of this wine with a week long festival, which had been the week before we got there, so Beaujolis Nouveau was everywhere.

We left the restaurant and headed back to "our" creperie. I had a Nutella and banana crepe, which is artery-clogging bliss and Larry had one with sugar and lemon juice, which is refreshing and tasty. We went back to the hotel and crashed.

There is a god!

American Gladiators is returning!

Friday, November 30, 2007

Holla-Ween

See what I just did up there. Wasn't it edgy and urban?

So Halloween was a few months ago now and I am incredibly late for posting. So what. Deal with it. You like pictures. I have pictures. Let's be friend's.


Update: I had this post saved as a text file until I could get the pictures uploaded. In the meantime, Andy posted this. Either he has been reading my computer files, I have ESP, or Andy and I think way too much alike for my comfort.

Paris - Day One (Friday into Saturday) - The Prelude

For our trip to Paris, we decided to fly out of Philadelphia to make it a direct flight and to drop Jezebel off at my mom's house. We were going to drive up to Philly on Thursday night, but work obligations prevented us from leaving until Friday morning. Larry had been anxiously awaiting the delivery of his new glasses to the Sears and they were supposed to come in on Friday, but no one knew when. We loaded up the car, got breakfast, drove to Ellicott City to drop some computer equipment off at my boss' house. As we were getting in the car, Larry got a call - the glasses were in! We turned around and headed back down to Bowie and got the glasses. I waited in the car with Jezebel. When Larry returned to the car from the Sears, he handed me the glasses and says "Put these on and tell me what you see!". Of course, what I saw was what I see when I have had a few drinks, everything was blurry. Turns out, it was blurry for Larry too, and he was worried that he had given them my prescription instead of his. Realizing that this was not the case, I suggested that he try them on upside down. They worked perfectly. So, Larry had glasses and would be able to see Paris, but Paris would have to see Larry wearing his glasses like he just got off the short bus.

We needed to run back to the house to get yet another jacket for me, so Larry removed the lenses, flipped them and screwed them back in. They looked pretty good, considering, and he could see without wearing glasses like a retard. Hooray!

We headed up to Philly, visited with my family for a few hours, then drove to the airport. Security was not too bad, made it to the gate and had a few drinks in the hopes that it would help us sleep on the plane. Our flight was scheduled to leave at 8:40PM. We were on the plane, on the ground, until 9:50. Apparently, the luggage loader had gotten jammed, and in the process had jammed one of the containers of luggage half way in/halfway out of the plane, and it took them an hour to get it unstuck. Finally, after an hour of waiting, we were airborn.

We were airborn sardines. The seats were so tight that Larry's knees were constantly pressing against the seat in front of him. And the little leg room that you used to have under the seat has been replaced with big boxes that house the electronics needed for each of the personal entertainment systems. Now, I like TV and all, but not when it means less space for my body to sit comfortably. I literally curled up into a ball, with my legs half on Larry's lap, so that he could turn and put his feet under my seat (thats love, people). We slept uncomfortably for most of the flight. The sleeping pills that Amanda gave us gave Larry horrendous gas pains, which thankfully did not turn into my horrendous nose pains.

We arrived in Paris at 11AM on Saturday, instead of the scheduled 10:05. Hooray, Paris!

(One hilarious sidenote- while on the plane, Larry and I observed the bottom legband of someone's tighty-whitey's. The teenage boy in the seat next to us had his pants so low, that I am pretty sure that you could just call them off. Just in case you were wondering- and I know you were - boy whaletail is not cute. Don't worry, Larry took pictures with his cellphone- let me know if you want a copy. And I'll let the proper authorities know.)

Secrets to Successful Holiday Shopping

1. Don't wait until Christmas Eve to head to the mall. Same goes with Black Friday.

2. Don't bring people that hate shopping, especially when its the kind of shopping where you have no ideas for people, so you just wander aimlessly from store to store, hoping that ideas will come to you. I love this kind of shopping (as long as you having broken Rule #1) but I live with someone who does not.

3. Take breaks whenever you feel the need. I know that we all look down on those people that sit in the mall lounge/lazy people display, but this should not deter you. Those seats are comfortable.

4. Use this time to multi-task and catch up with a friend over the phone. Sure, its not as good as actually shopping with a friend, but the plus side is that you can shop for that friend too, and they will never know. All the while, they will keep you entertained and provide ideas for the others on your shopping list. It's what I like to call a Win-Win-Win situation.

5. Eat while shopping if you get hungry. And don't feel cornered into the traditional mall food- pretzels, Cinnabon, etc. I can attest that it is possible to push a cart through the Target while eating a chicken salad sandwich. The girl at the food kiosk promised me that it would be the tastiest thing I have even eaten, that it would be "magical". She was not far off. I do not believe that Target knows the wisdom that they possess.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Bonjour, Y'all!

We have returned from Paris. Stealing from Amanda, I will be writing up a description of our trip in detail (although I will probably not note any of the history nor link to the Wikipedia entry's for the places I describe). Be prepared for alot of " We went here, then there, then we ate, then we went there." It will be exciting for all, what with its lack of intelligent details. We had a great time, did not want to leave, but are glad to be home.

The title of this post comes from a story that Larry told me about a friend of his from work. He had a French teacher in high school who was from the South and would greet the class every day with a Southern drawl filled "Bonjour, y'all!"

It takes a special talent to offend France and the South all at the same time.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Friday, November 9, 2007

Would you like fries with that?

Conversation with the boss over IM:

Boss:We got a big RFP from Burger King. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. I might make a food for service bid

Me: as long as i still get my salary in dollars and not BK Broilers, thats fine by me

Boss:No Double Whopper pay days? That's too bad.

Me: Nope. They are delicious but i don't think that the mortage company accepts them.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Monday, November 5, 2007

DALLAS

I have missed you. I have been negligent. I have been crazy busy helping the dyslexics. They came together in Dallas, so that is where I was last week from Tuesday through Sunday. I was mostly working so I will skip the finer details and just tell you to juicy, interesting parts.

I dealt with the craziness crazy dyslexic of the whole conference after my first hour there. He wore work boots, denim overall capri's (yes you read that correctly), a plaid shirt, blazer, and cowboy hat. Oh, yeah- and he screamed at me. Oh yeah, and he thinks he can channel Tom Brokaw.

I got food poisoning from the hotel restaurant. And not a mild case either. I had the full gut-wrenching, writhing in pain case, complete with 5 vomit sessions and only 2 hours of sleep. I still don't feel completely over it.

Two nights later , my boss and I went out to a country bar.


As you can see, I rode the bull. Twice. The second time I actually rode it right, with my hand holding the strap underhand. I bruised my pelvic bone on my on knuckle. There's one to be proud of!

I saw the grassy knoll, the Book Depository and the two X's in the street where JFK was shot and killed.

I don't think I felt as solemn there as I should have. All I could think about was how unsecure the area was- how exposed the President was. Oh, and the impromptu tour guide who begged for $5 each after the 5 minute tour pointed out a bunch of conspiracy stuff that should not have made so much sense coming from a drunk street hustler.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Shoe Update

I have found crazier shoes!


Z-Coils!

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Oh My God! Shoes

I have been on a desperate, almost obsessive search for new, fall shoes; preferably boots, that will be supremely comfortable and look great while walking the streets of Paris in a few 6 weeks. Nothing to difficult, right? I mean, Indiana Jones found that Holy Grail thing, so I should be golden. I figure all I need now is a tome that my mom has been working on for her entire life, filled with maps and etchings of a DSW where a knight guards the entrance to racks and racks of beautiful shoes, and I'll be all set. Choose wisely. Lest I disintegrate into ash.

During my quest, I have seen things. Things that shook me to the core. Things that make you question your faith in man. Things like this.


I think that I understand what they were attempting here. I mean, sweaters are cozy and comfortable, UGG boots are popular (though, this size-11 wearer would not know, since she prefers the nickname Hennifa Lopez over Herman Munster), and Creamsicle orange is a sweet color. Lets put them all together! But when this is the result, the right course of action is to shred the shoes. Dispose of the evidence. What? Did I make orange sweater UGG boots? Of course not. Are you crazy? Who would do that? They sound horrific and unnecessary, especially when you can already get these to keep you warm:



You know how puffer coats are flattering on all body types, making a bold, sophisticated fashion statement. It seems like it took way too long for the concept to spread down to a boot. And imagine the two together. GLORIOUS! No matter how big you are, if you wear a puffer jacket and these shoes, you can wear skinny jeans. Your legs will look like toothpicks in comparison. And the overall look is a Q-Tip. Black tie event, here I come!

For those of you who prefer a more plain jane look, I offer these ballet flats.



And check it out, I think these flats come with socks! Awesome, I mean, they look horrendous together, but you can always wear the socks with something else and... what? This is a post about boots? So these must be boots? I think I am getting woosey. Must...sit....down. I must accept the realization that these "socks" are part of the boot. The tumorous, malignant part. Those shoes had a chance. Too bad they had a run-in with Marc Jacobs. He's a wild card. Sometimes deliciousness and sometimes a very bloody car crash that you cannot look away from.

All of these shoes are available for purchase, although I did not include the links, because if you want these shoes, you are not my friend, in fact, I don't even know you. Why are you reading my blog? Pervert. I am not doing all the shopping legwork for some random perverted stranger.

The Marc Jacobs shoes below are not yet available to the mass market. If they stay that way, it will prove that there is a god.



And finally, this gem of a video. You'll find it obnoxious, but you will also quote it and laugh. Don't listen to it at work, unless your Andy. Virtual work-from-home high-five! Sweet!



Your welcome!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Update

Update - I am not dead. And I know that that is the only really good excuse as to why I have not posted in almost 2 weeks. My bad excuse is that I have been crazy busy with work, working late most nights and my brain is having a hard time being funny. Or being alert even. But I had a good day today, got stuff accomplished. I am now prepared to climb back onto the wagon that I fell off of. See you soon!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Ship Happens

Saturday was the day of the $60,000 wedding and I imagined it to be much more fantastical than it actually was. I had envisioned a meal of caviar and truffles, some celebrity guest musicians, and diamond wedding favors. This, I did not get. Oh,well. It was a lovely service, with a string quartet playing all of the wedding music. Scott, Larry and I were the first to arrive at the reception, at the Chartwell Golf Course and Country Club. The front table had all of the place cards for the guests. I quickly found mine.

The entire reception had a sailing theme, as both the bride and groom were from Annapolis and the groom was on the sailing team in college. Usually, the place card has the table that you are seated at, to avoid the otherwise inevitable (Larry, Scott and I at the sweetheart table- sure it would be awkward, but I think that you get served dinner first). I knew, being that we were part of the prestigious "friends from work" group and even worse the "groom's friends from work", that we would probably not be getting the primo seating up front. We wouldn't be able to see the toasts, or the cake cutting, and I was ok with that. I opened the place card to find this:

Excuse me! I believe that you must be mistaken, have you not seen my blog? I am the cooliest, and I believe that that is the antithesis of Loser.

When we reached the Loser table, we found the table sign with some weak explanation that "the Laser Standard is one of the most popular one-handed sailing dinghies...." Blah, blah, blah, lies, lies, lies. I may not be a socialite from Annapolis, but I know when I am being ridiculed. And they can take their loser dinghy and shove it up their stern.


Congratulations, Garey and Amy!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Ma Isla Bonita

It turns out that Madonna was not speaking of a mythical island in her 1987 hit, unlike The Beach Boys' Kokomo, which sounded much more tropical in the song. However, on Isla Bonita, it would probably be a Portuguese lullaby.

So, for the low price of $2.6 million, Isla Bonita could be yours. Don't ask me how I ended up fantasy window shopping for islands last night, but I did. And it was delicious. I hoped that I would dream of owning one last night. With a beautiful house on it. With a basement. But alas, I did not. You just can't force that kind of perfection.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Cue the Flashing Lights

It's Thursday, September 20th, and you know what that means! Its time to play:
GUESS.....THAT.....PIC!

(DAAAA, da, dadadadada, DAAAAA, da, dadada)



The rules are simple. Look at this picture. Guess what it is. Win. Win big. Actually, there are no prizes, but I felt like it made it more exciting. And now that I think about it, maybe there will be a prize. (Hmmmmm, very interesting, she thought, stroking her imaginary beard and looking up - as though she could picture one of her friends riding their winnings around town; a donkey unlike any other - a kickass ass)

Anyway.....Not really sure what happened there, but I thought this was a cool image and wanted to see if anyone could guess what it was of.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

A Bunch of Booty

Ahoy!! Today be Talk like a Pirate day, and I almost missed it. T' honor pirates everywhere, I have collected a bunch o' pirate booty.

First, here be an English t' Pirate translator!

Next, find your pirate name. Mine is Red Jenny Rackham.

Get an eye patch t' pirate up your buckos, as displayed below. (I do not know o' his name, but I think it will turn up)


And finally, this nerdy pirate game. Pirates and math- who knew!


Hope you enjoy!

Monday, September 17, 2007

Punk Kids Need Entertainers, Too


I quick pic of a beautiful day, a classic Mini, and a punk clown, with a rainbow mohawk ponytail, white face paint, and a red star sticker on his head. Have fun kids!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Underlying Question

So reading CNN today I see this.
Robot maker with a penchant for realism builds artificial boy


And the only thing I can think is :
Who names their child Zeno?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

On the Outside

It was an amazingly beautiful day today. So nice that I decided to "set up shop" in the back yard.



It was very relaxing and put me in a good mood, allowing me to get more work done. Very productive. Working outside reminded me of the hyper-minimalist architecture firm scene from Upright Citizen's Brigade, where a woman goes for an interview, and the address takes her into the woods. She finds a man sitting in front of a fallen tree with a cup of coffee and his telephone sitting on it. He gives her a tour through the forest and she keeps stepping on piles of leaves (My blueprints!) or accidentally wandering into the men's "room", which is just a grouping of trees. I tried to find a picture online, but to no avail. A search for hyper minimalist architecture did provide this however:


Interesting, but not the comedy I was hoping for. So I found the only UCB clip I could.


Why this show was ever canceled is a question that will haunt me more than the meaning of life.

Open for Business

I got a free color laser printer from a guy at a networking meeting. Thats pretty cool, especially when he tells me that he knows that it works. It just needs toner cartridges, he says.

I check the Blag-O-Blag. Replacement cartridges for all four color run around $300. Not so cool. I decide that I need to test the printer to determine if all need replacing, or just a few. I turn on the printer and find that it is giving an error. Replace/Install Waste Toner Cartridge. Waste toner cartridge? What's that? A little more browsing and I discover that the printer has a plastic bin that collects old toner and Samsung thinks that you need to cap that one up, trash it and buy a new one. I promptly empty it in the trash, wash it out, reinstall and voila! Printer works! All toner cartridges are working, color is B-E-A-Utiful and it was absolutely free. Larry suggested that we could start our own printing company now. Anyone have any pie charts that they need printed to wow the clients? Mmm, pie. Delicious.



OK, OK, only 75% delicious. Anyway, I am super psyched. When we were buying our printer about 9 months ago, we wavered on whether we should get a color laser or just a B&W. We decided that we didn't really need the color and it wasn't worth the wasted money. So B&W it was. I feel like God sent a printer-toting angel to reward us for a good decision. What? Too much? No need to bring God into this? Did I mention I was excited?

First picture printed on the printer- Erin and her 2/3 ft. with spheres. Heavenly!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Foresight is 20/20

Have you ever been in your house and seen something that needed to be taken care of, but decided that you could do it later, because whatever you were currently doing seemed more important at the time? Heed my advice. Take care of that something right away. It is too late for me.



Here is the aftermath of a small cat food bin no longer being able to support the weight of the large dog food bin with about 40 lbs. of dog food in it. Why balance the large bin on top of the small one to begin with you ask? Why, to save the effort of bending over once a day, of course. The Symms home thrives on efficiency.

(Please note- somehow the cat litter bucket ended up on top of a 2 inch layer of dog food. I think that the litter bucket had been on top of the dog food container and took a wild surf down the IAM's to the floor. What a sight that would have been.)

It Looks Beatle-ful



"Across the Universe" is a new original musical that builds it's story from the music of the Beatles. It also uses live action, painting and 3-D animation. It looks amazing. Just thought you might be interested. It opens nationwide on Sept 21.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Music Posts Abound

Since I like to follow a crowd, it only seems appropriate that I post about music today as well. I am listening to Spoon, who, until today, I thought that I had never heard.



I realized as soon as the song started that I had heard the song a number of times, but thought it was a new Billy Joel song. I am not a Billy Joel fan, so I was surprised to like his new work. Now I know- it was Spoon.

Here's another song of theirs that I like a lot.



I agree with Doug about finding new music. I feel like it's one thing that will always make you feel young and alive, that new love for a new artist. You love it so much that you listen to it over and over and can't stop thinking about it. And you want to tell the world. Especially when you aren't telling the world that you love Billy Joel.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

In yo' Face

I don't get what the kids are doing these days(said in my best crotchety old lady voice). Case in point- Facebook. I don't quite understand it. Its like email, but not. Its like IM, but not. Its like a blog, but yet again, not. Now I have an account, mostly because I wanted to see my cousin's Face (a way better name than profile - c'mon Facebook, get creative up in herre). I have realized that that is how most people get started on it. They need to be registered to have access into someone elses Face, so they sign up themselves. Now you have all of these people, all connected, who are only there to see what the other one is doing, but not listing what they themselves are doing. Do you see the irony in this? I do.

Facebook also has all of these plug-in, add-on things. Some are kinda cool, like a map that lets you list where you have been in the world, and games like Scrabble that you can play with others over many weeks (and you thought Trivial Pursuit took a long time to end). Some of these plug-in are so random, they are more like viruses that people willingly sign up for. I logged in today after having not used it for a month, and found that I had been bitten by a Vampire, a Werewolf, a Zombie, and was been requested to join the Pirates in fighting the Ninjas (which I declined because ninjas rool, pirates drool). For the bites I received, if you "Accept the Bite" it adds the plug-in to your account and you can start biting people. The point? Who the hell knows. To get the most bites, I think. And oh, what an honor that is - to be the most popular dork.

I just looked again. They also have "Gifts" that you can give. Apparently, the gifts are small Clip Art images that you can send to your friends. Awww, that's cute. So I click on the Gift giving option. It informs me that I have one gift to give and after that, gifts are $1 each. Asphinctersayswhat? $1 for an inch square Clip Art image? If these Facebook people are making money on Gifts, then our society is not far from the world portrayed in Idiocracy.

Because I love you all so much, here are a few "Gifts" for you. Stolen straight from Facebook. You are welcome.

Told ya ninjas rool.
(Seriously, who is going to pay a buck for an icon of a grown man trying to emulate the Coppertone baby? Thats just creepy. Or is it sexy? Let me check. No, its creepy.)

The Happiest Place on Earth

No, not Disney World. For me, its the cabin in Idaho. I went a few weeks ago and am just now getting around to posting my pics from the trip.










Of course, there are not many. I am awful with taking pictures. I like pictures. But when I am enjoying myself, I forget to take them, and when I am not enjoying myself, I don't want to take them. Its a quandary as to when I will actually get the drive. Hopefully when I have kids. Otherwise, the baby book can just be a manila folder with the one picture that the hospital took taped inside, and will end up looking more like murder suspects file than the memories of a happy life growing up in the Symms house.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Purge your Pores

Want to have an instant hot flash? Here are the step by step instructions.

1. While working from home, have ongoing IM conversations with multiple people.
2.Read this.
3. Instead of writing to your husband, who sent you the link, respond with "ass baby! Hilarious!" to your boss.

Here is the conversation that ensued. Enjoy!

[10:48] jensymms: ass baby!
[10:48] jensymms: hilarious
[10:49] bossman: what?
[10:49] jensymms: sorry
[10:49] jensymms: wrong window
[10:49] jensymms: :-\
[10:49] jensymms: awkward
[10:49] bossman: seemed weird?
[10:50] jensymms: my husband
[10:50] jensymms: he is wierd
[10:50] jensymms: and i guess, so am i
[10:50] bossman: I'm not even going to try to figure out what "ass baby!" means
[10:51] bossman: Unless you're talking about PayPal
[10:51] jensymms: hehehe
[10:52] jensymms: he listens to Howard Stern, it was from a letter that someone on the show wrote, apologizing for being so drunk that he missed a friends wedding
[10:52] jensymms: he called himself that
[10:53] bossman: got it.
[10:53] jensymms: anywho
[10:53] jensymms: on to pretending that never happened
[10:53] bossman: I've never heard wedding and drunk in the same sentence.
[10:54] bossman: ok, a few times
[10:54] bossman: almost always
[10:56] jensymms: usually though, you get drunk at the wedding
[10:57] jensymms: he got drunk on friday night , went to bed at 7AM Saturday and woke up at 5Pm Sunday
[10:57] jensymms: thats excessive
[10:58] bossman: That's almost dead.
[10:59] jensymms: yeah
[10:59] jensymms: he is a mess
[10:59] bossman: Was that Stern?
[10:59] bossman: or a caller?
[11:01] jensymms: its a co worker of his
[11:01] jensymms: here is the letter
[11:02] jensymms: http://www.howardstern.com/archive.hs?h=1126
[11:06] bossman: I like the phrase "pig filled with whisky and excedrin pm"
[11:06] jensymms: yeah
[11:07] jensymms: so now you see why I said "ass baby!, hilarious!"

That was very close to one of the most awkward moments of my life, second only to the time when my Dad caught Larry and I in the shower and I denied the whole thing. Ah, the memories! However, this experiment only further proves how awesome my job is.

(Note: my boss does not use the screen name bossman. It is actually assbaby, which, now that I think about it, is rather ironic.)

National Geographic

Our education system is failing. Exhibit 1:


Seriously. She just gave that answer with a straight face. I know that I am not that good at geography; I can find the US on a map, but maybe all of my other geographical issues stem from my lack of owning a map. And the fact that us US Americans have not been helping South Africa, the Iraq and the Asian countries, like such as. This just proves, it really does take a village.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Satisfying

It is amazing what you can pack into a 3 day weekend. I watched two rented movies, tailgated and football game watched for 8 hours, celebrated Doug's birthday for 12 hours (hella fun), and still had time to spend 4 hours swimming and sunning on Labor Day before having a delicious dinner of king crab legs, roasted potatoes with rosemary and grilled zucchini and asparagus.

The highlight was Doug's birthday. Doug, can you have a birthday at least once a month?

Friday, August 31, 2007

Big ol' Jet Lag Jenny (aweful Steve Miller Band reference)

I am finally feeling human again. Vacation is tough. Well, more like returning from vacation is tough. Waking up at 6:45 Pacific time, traveling all day and getting home at 4:30AM Eastern time on Monday. I realized yesterday evening that it was Thursday and it was also the first time I had left the house since I got home on Monday morning. I have never had jetlag before, but I think thats what that was. It sucked. I was like a zombie. I have planned our Paris trip with us leaving at 6:30 Pm Eastern time and getting into Paris at 10AM Paris time (no idea what that time zone is really called- but its Eastern time + 6 hours).
I am seriously worried that I will be a zombie in France. I am hoping that sleeping on the plane will be my saving grace. And to do that, I am planning on leaving my rest to Lunesta. Dan took them while on the plane and he was out cold. They don't keep you asleep, but they make you tired, so you care less about your sleeping conditions. They seemed to work great for him, he wasn't groggy, and was well rested when we landed. Only drawback was that he would jerk wildly when he would get startled, and at one point, full on back-handed me in the seat next to him and was oblivious to it. Larry and I joked that we can just wear straight jackets, or put our arms under the seatbelt while we sleep. Seems to make sense to me. What's that, guy sitting next to us? Feeling awkward about your row mates wearing straight jackets? Deal with it. The alternative is much more embarrassing for you. Getting bitch slapped by a sleeping stranger does not make for ideal flying conditions.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Sing Alongs Rule

Just found out something awesome. For those of you with iPod's, you can now sing along even easier. You can add the song lyrics to the file! Awe-symms!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Return from the Cabin

Still feeling too lazy after my vacation to the cabin to blog. I feel a picture is worth a thousand words.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Jen and the Giant Peach

How to curb your appetite:
Cut open a fresh peach and find a live worm crawling around at the core.

How to see the silver lining:
Thank your lucky stars that you were trying to be fancy and cut it up instead of just taking a big ol' bite out of it.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Even better than the Real thing

In trying to come up with gift ideas for Larry's mom's 60th birthday, I jokingly suggested a male RealDoll. I didn't think they actually existed. They actually exist. The RealDoll site shows the dolls in a number of "natural positions".

They MITE be useful

I was watching a picture on the tele, as I am want to do, and saw an episode of Survivorman where he used the smoke from a burning termite mound to heal his ever worstening foot fungus. He then listed number of uses for termite mounds. A quick Google search found even more. And so, I have decided to pit the Amazonian termite mound against the All-American all-around wonder. Avon's Skin So Soft.

Skin-So-Soft (SSS)-Cleans ink from skin.
Termite Mound (TM)-Cleans sores from skin.

SSS-Removes chewing gum from hair, skin and most non-porous surfaces.
TM-Removes goiters.

SSS- Scent repels mosquitoes.
TM- Smoke repels jaguars.

I think we have a clear winner. Who wants gum on their seat? GUM!?!

Fiest-y

Most of you know Fiest. Amazing artist. I came across this video that I feel exudes happy.




From now on, whenever I hear this song, I will smile and think of Leslie in a strapless, sequined jumpsuit, all happy-rainbow-70's. I love when you find something that you can't help but smile when you see, hear or even think about. Everyone has something like this, or at least they should. How sad your life would be if you didn't.

Waste Not

When Amanda life gives you a leftover pot of REALLY strong cold coffee, make Frappuccino!

Friday, August 17, 2007

NUTS

Why do we make rituals and patterns out of things? Some make sense (contacts go in before you put goo in your hand for your hair - no matter how much you rinse your hands, that goo always ends up in your eyes if you change the order). But we create patterns for things with no purpose. When eating cashews, I have a habit of eating all of the broken pieces first before I eat the whole ones. I will shake the tin around to find all the broken pieces first. It's not like they taste different. What I find more concerning is the fact that I get an overwhelming sense of frustration if Larry swoops in and scoops up a handful of nuts. Hello? Someone was working hard over here, dividing up these nuts that obviously need separation. And there he is, just chomping away, broken piece here, whole nut there. He does not have a cashew eating system, and this annoys me. And then I catch myself, why do I care? THEY ARE JUST NUTS. Or, am I just nuts?

For the two of you who may actually read this, do you have any similar crazy habits? (I know you do, so just give 'em over, already!)

BEEEFFCAKE?- more like POORRKKCAKE!

Cake is delicious. Beer and Bacon is delicious. Why not combine them?



Baltimore knows where its at.

From the Hands of Babes

Interesting art from an interesting artist.



Thursday, August 16, 2007

They Do!

This past weekend was crazy busy. JenPrat (a friend since high school) and my cousin Eric (a cousin since his birth) were both getting married, though not to each other. JenPrat is now JenKaretsky, which does NOT flow nearly as well. Eric is still just Eric- just like Madonna or RuPaul. Only way cooler and more related to me.

Thursday
Involved transporting Aunt Donna, the porn producer extraordinaire, back and forth from BWI so that we could visit while she waited for my Uncle Rob to fly in on a later flight. She had accidentally reserved the car in his name, so they would not let her take it. They were in town for Eric's wedding.

We also picked up Becky to drive her up to PA since she threw her back out. I rode in the back seat with Jezebel. At one point, I successfully managed to eat my delicious and nutritious Wendy's dinner in a gap of space about 4 inches wide between the bridesmaids dresses and $1000 suit hanging on my left, and the hungry dog with a tongue lapping the air on my right. It was very much a scene from The Simpsons when Homer walks towards the pie while chomping at the air. I narrowly escaped a very sad dinner demise. If I had had to make a choice, the food would have ended up on the clothes, since you could always lick that off. I love my dog, but not enough to lick the food off of her mouth. Even though I know she would do it for me if she had too. Now thats love.

Friday
Worked from Mom's house most of the day, drove to Allentown, PA for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Rehearsed the wedding. Rehearsed the dinner after the wedding. Both when well.

Saturday

Wedding Day. Both weddings went well, although I was only able to be at Jens. It was a beautiful ceremony, I cried a little and then we got to par-tay. Highlights included:

The Cancun Cruiser - used to transport the wedding party to the wedding and from the wedding to the reception. Great stuff!


The bride doing a beer run to refill the Cancun Cruiser between the wedding and reception.
Please note the Michelob Ultra- the bride is health conscience.



The brides maids acting starved for a photo op. Pretty much you can get them to do anything if you just ask. They are like your puppets. Sexy puppets-I love you, Ladies!


Toldya they were sexy! I didn't even have to ask Julie to give me a little booty shot.


Congratulations Jen and Kevin!


Sunday
Larry and I did visit with Eric and his new wife and my whole family at my Aunt Denise's house for brunch on Sunday. Yummmm! Delicious brunch. Even more delicious than Wendy's burger and fries. Brunch that included multiple quiches, breakfast roll (a fresh baked one and half foot long croissant with scrambled eggs and bacon baked, get this, right into the croissant!), and a French Toast Strata (read:casserole) with Apple Cider syrup. No wonder this woman is having anxiety attacks. I was getting flustered just trying to figure out what to eat how to fit everything in me. But don't you worry, I did it.

I also got told about one hundred times that I was missed at Eric's wedding. I think quotes included "I am just sick about the fact that you couldn't be there!" and "Weren't you and Eric as close as brother and sister when you were kids?". WOW. Way to make me feel like shit. Its not like a didn't already have a dream earlier in the week that Eric died and I had to give the eulogy abount how important he was to me and then wake up crying in the middle of the night. But hey, that's my sensitive family for you. Doesn't it make you wish they had adopted you?

All in all, it was a great weekend! I am glad that the wedding season is over for me. At least, I am not in any more weddings. It's not entirely over, since we have a $60,000 wedding to attend in September. I am hoping for diamonds as confetti and Beamers for wedding favors. If that's the case, I'll try to swipe a few extra for you! I love free swag.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Grandma Porn

This explains a lot. Please note that my aunt is acting as cinematographer and providing the musical score. Enjoy!


Wednesday, August 8, 2007

They take to the skies

I understand that in marketing, you must get creative, but seriously? Is Geico really that desperate to get customers that they feel the need to buzz over suburban towns putting up cloud billboards? I get it, Geico. The gecko, the caveman, you are clever and you have been recognized. Stop graffitiing my back yard!


Actually, it was kinda cool. Damn you, Geico!
Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Transistor, My Allergies Thank You

toothpaste for dinner
toothpastefordinner.com

Oui are on our way!

Larry and I are going to Paris. Woohoo! I know that you are as excited as me, how could you not be, with all the not getting to come with and all. Naturally, I wanted to make sure that I was doing things by the book. But I couldn't find a book, which I was pretty relieved about, since that would have required reading and comprehension and the like. I did however, find the movie. It was an obvious title, and should have been located in the documentary section of the Blockbuster, but someone had misplaced it in the children's section.



It was incredibly insightful and as the cover shows, it got the job done. There they are. In Paris. With Passports. They also managed to acquire cute boys on scooters and the ability to look 12 when you are actually 17. I hope that this miraculous fountain of youth works on Larry and I. Mostly so that I can get into museums at the student rate. We will probably pass on the cute boys. Since we haven't been there yet, I have had to use sophisticated technology to create a representation of what we will look like when we go. Do not be fooled. We have not yet been to Paris.

If this image is any indication, our photo album from the greatest city on earth is going to be B-E-A-Utiful!

So how was your day, Grandma?

You know you have it good when your bad day at work consists of not having enough to work to do, so you try to watch TV and the homebuilt TiVo locks up, so you are forced to just go swimming.

Have I mentioned I love my job?

Monday, August 6, 2007

They should ask for proof of class

Sunday night, we went out for dinner at Fleming's in B-More to celebrate Amanda's birthday. Food was eaten, wine was drunk and antics was insued.(?!?)


We sprayed wine all over the white table cloth, offended fellow Asian diners with repetitive use of the word SARS and viewed videos of me in the pool that can only be described as inappropriate. All in all, I call it a success.

Happy Birthday, Amanda!

Thursday, August 2, 2007

You are in the Presence of Royalty

Here ye! Here Ye! Now entering the Lord and Lady of the Land. I do declare that they now own property, to which they will allow the mere peasants to reside in, for a small fare. I shall proclaim this land 1334 Dellwood Ave. in the city of Baltimore.May their roof never leak and their tenants pay on time.

It will probably end as quickly as it began

Blogging is the 21st century version of journaling. I have always wished that I had journaled, was a journaler, liked journaling. The truth is that I don't like reading books much, and if I can't stand to read what someone else has written when putting pen to paper, why would I want to write my own? However, I do love reading blogs. And so, I shall begin my own. With flourish and pomp!





This may be the last time you hear from me. If so, it was nice knowing you.