Oh My God! Shoes

I have been on a desperate, almost obsessive search for new, fall shoes; preferably boots, that will be supremely comfortable and look great while walking the streets of Paris in a few 6 weeks. Nothing to difficult, right? I mean, Indiana Jones found that Holy Grail thing, so I should be golden. I figure all I need now is a tome that my mom has been working on for her entire life, filled with maps and etchings of a DSW where a knight guards the entrance to racks and racks of beautiful shoes, and I'll be all set. Choose wisely. Lest I disintegrate into ash.

During my quest, I have seen things. Things that shook me to the core. Things that make you question your faith in man. Things like this.

I think that I understand what they were attempting here. I mean, sweaters are cozy and comfortable, UGG boots are popular (though, this size-11 wearer would not know, since she prefers the nickname Hennifa Lopez over Herman Munster), and Creamsicle orange is a sweet color. Lets put them all together! But when this is the result, the right course of action is to shred the shoes. Dispose of the evidence. What? Did I make orange sweater UGG boots? Of course not. Are you crazy? Who would do that? They sound horrific and unnecessary, especially when you can already get these to keep you warm:

You know how puffer coats are flattering on all body types, making a bold, sophisticated fashion statement. It seems like it took way too long for the concept to spread down to a boot. And imagine the two together. GLORIOUS! No matter how big you are, if you wear a puffer jacket and these shoes, you can wear skinny jeans. Your legs will look like toothpicks in comparison. And the overall look is a Q-Tip. Black tie event, here I come!

For those of you who prefer a more plain jane look, I offer these ballet flats.

And check it out, I think these flats come with socks! Awesome, I mean, they look horrendous together, but you can always wear the socks with something else and... what? This is a post about boots? So these must be boots? I think I am getting woosey. Must...sit....down. I must accept the realization that these "socks" are part of the boot. The tumorous, malignant part. Those shoes had a chance. Too bad they had a run-in with Marc Jacobs. He's a wild card. Sometimes deliciousness and sometimes a very bloody car crash that you cannot look away from.

All of these shoes are available for purchase, although I did not include the links, because if you want these shoes, you are not my friend, in fact, I don't even know you. Why are you reading my blog? Pervert. I am not doing all the shopping legwork for some random perverted stranger.

The Marc Jacobs shoes below are not yet available to the mass market. If they stay that way, it will prove that there is a god.

And finally, this gem of a video. You'll find it obnoxious, but you will also quote it and laugh. Don't listen to it at work, unless your Andy. Virtual work-from-home high-five! Sweet!

Your welcome!

Update

Update - I am not dead. And I know that that is the only really good excuse as to why I have not posted in almost 2 weeks. My bad excuse is that I have been crazy busy with work, working late most nights and my brain is having a hard time being funny. Or being alert even. But I had a good day today, got stuff accomplished. I am now prepared to climb back onto the wagon that I fell off of. See you soon!