Big ol' Jet Lag Jenny (aweful Steve Miller Band reference)

I am finally feeling human again. Vacation is tough. Well, more like returning from vacation is tough. Waking up at 6:45 Pacific time, traveling all day and getting home at 4:30AM Eastern time on Monday. I realized yesterday evening that it was Thursday and it was also the first time I had left the house since I got home on Monday morning. I have never had jetlag before, but I think thats what that was. It sucked. I was like a zombie. I have planned our Paris trip with us leaving at 6:30 Pm Eastern time and getting into Paris at 10AM Paris time (no idea what that time zone is really called- but its Eastern time + 6 hours).
I am seriously worried that I will be a zombie in France. I am hoping that sleeping on the plane will be my saving grace. And to do that, I am planning on leaving my rest to Lunesta. Dan took them while on the plane and he was out cold. They don't keep you asleep, but they make you tired, so you care less about your sleeping conditions. They seemed to work great for him, he wasn't groggy, and was well rested when we landed. Only drawback was that he would jerk wildly when he would get startled, and at one point, full on back-handed me in the seat next to him and was oblivious to it. Larry and I joked that we can just wear straight jackets, or put our arms under the seatbelt while we sleep. Seems to make sense to me. What's that, guy sitting next to us? Feeling awkward about your row mates wearing straight jackets? Deal with it. The alternative is much more embarrassing for you. Getting bitch slapped by a sleeping stranger does not make for ideal flying conditions.

Sing Alongs Rule

Just found out something awesome. For those of you with iPod's, you can now sing along even easier. You can add the song lyrics to the file! Awe-symms!

Return from the Cabin

Still feeling too lazy after my vacation to the cabin to blog. I feel a picture is worth a thousand words.

Jen and the Giant Peach

How to curb your appetite:
Cut open a fresh peach and find a live worm crawling around at the core.

How to see the silver lining:
Thank your lucky stars that you were trying to be fancy and cut it up instead of just taking a big ol' bite out of it.

Even better than the Real thing

In trying to come up with gift ideas for Larry's mom's 60th birthday, I jokingly suggested a male RealDoll. I didn't think they actually existed. They actually exist. The RealDoll site shows the dolls in a number of "natural positions".

The realism is frightening.

They MITE be useful

I was watching a picture on the tele, as I am want to do, and saw an episode of Survivorman where he used the smoke from a burning termite mound to heal his ever worstening foot fungus. He then listed number of uses for termite mounds. A quick Google search found even more. And so, I have decided to pit the Amazonian termite mound against the All-American all-around wonder. Avon's Skin So Soft.

Skin-So-Soft (SSS)-Cleans ink from skin.
Termite Mound (TM)-Cleans sores from skin.

SSS-Removes chewing gum from hair, skin and most non-porous surfaces.
TM-Removes goiters.

SSS- Scent repels mosquitoes.
TM- Smoke repels jaguars.

I think we have a clear winner. Who wants gum on their seat? GUM!?!

Fiest-y

Most of you know Fiest. Amazing artist. I came across this video that I feel exudes happy.




From now on, whenever I hear this song, I will smile and think of Leslie in a strapless, sequined jumpsuit, all happy-rainbow-70's. I love when you find something that you can't help but smile when you see, hear or even think about. Everyone has something like this, or at least they should. How sad your life would be if you didn't.

Waste Not

When Amanda life gives you a leftover pot of REALLY strong cold coffee, make Frappuccino!

NUTS

Why do we make rituals and patterns out of things? Some make sense (contacts go in before you put goo in your hand for your hair - no matter how much you rinse your hands, that goo always ends up in your eyes if you change the order). But we create patterns for things with no purpose. When eating cashews, I have a habit of eating all of the broken pieces first before I eat the whole ones. I will shake the tin around to find all the broken pieces first. It's not like they taste different. What I find more concerning is the fact that I get an overwhelming sense of frustration if Larry swoops in and scoops up a handful of nuts. Hello? Someone was working hard over here, dividing up these nuts that obviously need separation. And there he is, just chomping away, broken piece here, whole nut there. He does not have a cashew eating system, and this annoys me. And then I catch myself, why do I care? THEY ARE JUST NUTS. Or, am I just nuts?

For the two of you who may actually read this, do you have any similar crazy habits? (I know you do, so just give 'em over, already!)

BEEEFFCAKE?- more like POORRKKCAKE!

Cake is delicious. Beer and Bacon is delicious. Why not combine them?

Baltimore knows where its at.

From the Hands of Babes

Interesting art from an interesting artist.

They Do!

This past weekend was crazy busy. JenPrat (a friend since high school) and my cousin Eric (a cousin since his birth) were both getting married, though not to each other. JenPrat is now JenKaretsky, which does NOT flow nearly as well. Eric is still just Eric- just like Madonna or RuPaul. Only way cooler and more related to me.

Thursday
Involved transporting Aunt Donna, the porn producer extraordinaire, back and forth from BWI so that we could visit while she waited for my Uncle Rob to fly in on a later flight. She had accidentally reserved the car in his name, so they would not let her take it. They were in town for Eric's wedding.

We also picked up Becky to drive her up to PA since she threw her back out. I rode in the back seat with Jezebel. At one point, I successfully managed to eat my delicious and nutritious Wendy's dinner in a gap of space about 4 inches wide between the bridesmaids dresses and $1000 suit hanging on my left, and the hungry dog with a tongue lapping the air on my right. It was very much a scene from The Simpsons when Homer walks towards the pie while chomping at the air. I narrowly escaped a very sad dinner demise. If I had had to make a choice, the food would have ended up on the clothes, since you could always lick that off. I love my dog, but not enough to lick the food off of her mouth. Even though I know she would do it for me if she had too. Now thats love.

Friday
Worked from Mom's house most of the day, drove to Allentown, PA for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Rehearsed the wedding. Rehearsed the dinner after the wedding. Both when well.

Saturday

Wedding Day. Both weddings went well, although I was only able to be at Jens. It was a beautiful ceremony, I cried a little and then we got to par-tay. Highlights included:

The Cancun Cruiser - used to transport the wedding party to the wedding and from the wedding to the reception. Great stuff!


The bride doing a beer run to refill the Cancun Cruiser between the wedding and reception.
Please note the Michelob Ultra- the bride is health conscience.



The brides maids acting starved for a photo op. Pretty much you can get them to do anything if you just ask. They are like your puppets. Sexy puppets-I love you, Ladies!


Toldya they were sexy! I didn't even have to ask Julie to give me a little booty shot.


Congratulations Jen and Kevin!

Sunday
Larry and I did visit with Eric and his new wife and my whole family at my Aunt Denise's house for brunch on Sunday. Yummmm! Delicious brunch. Even more delicious than Wendy's burger and fries. Brunch that included multiple quiches, breakfast roll (a fresh baked one and half foot long croissant with scrambled eggs and bacon baked, get this, right into the croissant!), and a French Toast Strata (read:casserole) with Apple Cider syrup. No wonder this woman is having anxiety attacks. I was getting flustered just trying to figure out what to eat how to fit everything in me. But don't you worry, I did it.

I also got told about one hundred times that I was missed at Eric's wedding. I think quotes included "I am just sick about the fact that you couldn't be there!" and "Weren't you and Eric as close as brother and sister when you were kids?". WOW. Way to make me feel like shit. Its not like a didn't already have a dream earlier in the week that Eric died and I had to give the eulogy abount how important he was to me and then wake up crying in the middle of the night. But hey, that's my sensitive family for you. Doesn't it make you wish they had adopted you?

All in all, it was a great weekend! I am glad that the wedding season is over for me. At least, I am not in any more weddings. It's not entirely over, since we have a $60,000 wedding to attend in September. I am hoping for diamonds as confetti and Beamers for wedding favors. If that's the case, I'll try to swipe a few extra for you! I love free swag.

Grandma Porn

This explains a lot. Please note that my aunt is acting as cinematographer and providing the musical score. Enjoy!

They take to the skies

I understand that in marketing, you must get creative, but seriously? Is Geico really that desperate to get customers that they feel the need to buzz over suburban towns putting up cloud billboards? I get it, Geico. The gecko, the caveman, you are clever and you have been recognized. Stop graffitiing my back yard!

Actually, it was kinda cool. Damn you, Geico!

Transistor, My Allergies Thank You

toothpastefordinner.com

Oui are on our way!

Larry and I are going to Paris. Woohoo! I know that you are as excited as me, how could you not be, with all the not getting to come with and all. Naturally, I wanted to make sure that I was doing things by the book. But I couldn't find a book, which I was pretty relieved about, since that would have required reading and comprehension and the like. I did however, find the movie. It was an obvious title, and should have been located in the documentary section of the Blockbuster, but someone had misplaced it in the children's section.

It was incredibly insightful and as the cover shows, it got the job done. There they are. In Paris. With Passports. They also managed to acquire cute boys on scooters and the ability to look 12 when you are actually 17. I hope that this miraculous fountain of youth works on Larry and I. Mostly so that I can get into museums at the student rate. We will probably pass on the cute boys. Since we haven't been there yet, I have had to use sophisticated technology to create a representation of what we will look like when we go. Do not be fooled. We have not yet been to Paris.

If this image is any indication, our photo album from the greatest city on earth is going to be B-E-A-Utiful!

So how was your day, Grandma?

You know you have it good when your bad day at work consists of not having enough to work to do, so you try to watch TV and the homebuilt TiVo locks up, so you are forced to just go swimming.

Have I mentioned I love my job?

They should ask for proof of class

Sunday night, we went out for dinner at Fleming's in B-More to celebrate Amanda's birthday. Food was eaten, wine was drunk and antics was insued.(?!?)

We sprayed wine all over the white table cloth, offended fellow Asian diners with repetitive use of the word SARS and viewed videos of me in the pool that can only be described as inappropriate. All in all, I call it a success.

Happy Birthday, Amanda!

This is your web, This is your web on drugs

Spiderdelic

You are in the Presence of Royalty

Here ye! Here Ye! Now entering the Lord and Lady of the Land. I do declare that they now own property, to which they will allow the mere peasants to reside in, for a small fare. I shall proclaim this land 1334 Dellwood Ave. in the city of Baltimore.May their roof never leak and their tenants pay on time.

It will probably end as quickly as it began

Blogging is the 21st century version of journaling. I have always wished that I had journaled, was a journaler, liked journaling. The truth is that I don't like reading books much, and if I can't stand to read what someone else has written when putting pen to paper, why would I want to write my own? However, I do love reading blogs. And so, I shall begin my own. With flourish and pomp!





This may be the last time you hear from me. If so, it was nice knowing you.